Shopping For A Baby Who Doesn't Exist

 Not even 6 months ago, I loved the idea of going to a consignment sale, yard sale, or browsing the baby sections of the store. 

My husband and I had an agreement no matter how cute the item or clothing was, we wouldn't buy it unless it was gender neutral. 

I used to enjoy the hunt. I'd easily spend the longest time sifting through piles or racks of clothing, looking for the perfect gender-neutral items. 

This weekend I went to one of the biggest consignment sales in the area. I browsed for my girls and then went to walk about the baby gear, bouncers, swings, and strollers. 

There were swaddles, carriers, and blankets, everything a mother could want for her baby.  

I found myself quickly gravitating to the more "boy" colored or themed items.

Trucks, monsters, dinosaurs. 

I had to remind myself of my rule, but it was so hard to do because I was supposed to be in the home stretch of welcoming my son into the world. I was supposed to be in my 3rd trimester. 

I placed a few things back on the shelves and went upstairs to the 'girl' section of baby clothes. It was a sea of pinks, purples, flowers, and hearts. 

Every gender-neutral sleeper, outfit, or onesie I liked had something girly attached to it. A bundle deal. I quickly got burnt out searching and went to the other side for 'boys.' 

It was so difficult being over there, blues, greens, browns, cute clothes that said "wild man," "daddy's little buddy," or, "little brother." 

My heart broke a little more in a way I didn't even know was possible. I won't ever get to dress Jesse in these clothes. How unfair. 

I should be shopping for him, picking out winter outfits, fuzzy sleepers, cozy blankets, and winter hats. 

But, again, I was shopping for gender neutral. 

I pulled myself back to reality. And stared looking through the clothes. 

No, no, no, no, no. 

One mom commented, "wow, you are flying through those clothes. You must know what you want!" 

I just smiled and said, "haha yeah." 

Because how do you explain to a stranger what it's like shopping for a baby you don't know if they will ever exist.

I again quickly realized that this wasn't bringing me as much joy and hope as it once did. So picked up the 6 hangers of sleepers I had selected, scanned the QR code, and went to check out. 

There was a virtual line to wait in, so I just walked about, looking at all the baby things I wish I had a baby to buy for. 

The text message came through that told me it was my turn to check out. I headed on over. 

The sweetest woman helped pull my tags off my items. "Lots of gender-neutral stuff here! So cute! How far along are you? Do you not know what you are having yet?" 

I must have said too much with my face because she instantly drew back and apologized, "sorry, I wasn't saying you looked pregnant or anything, I just…." 

I cut her off and I said, "it's okay. We are still Trying to conceive. So that's why I got these."

"Good luck! Trying is the fun part!"  

I smiled and laughed with her to try and clear the tension. 

If only she knew how not fun it is to be a year into experiencing secondary infertility, loss, and no baby. How much it hurts because you so badly wish you had a baby to hold. 

Because again, how do you tell a stranger you shopping for a baby you don't know if they will ever exist. 

I wanted so badly to hang on to hope this shopping trip. I wanted to find the joy that kept me going during this TTC journey. A joy I once had. I wanted to see the shimmer of light in the darkness. 

My heart and longing were met with a heaviness that so many people told me would get easier. Yet hasn’t. 

So, When? When will the reminder that I'll forever be shopping for fewer children than I SHOULD have? When will the reminders of my loss not hurt like they do today? When will it become socially acceptable to tell strangers that you are shopping for a baby you don’t know if they will ever exist?

I paid for my items, choked back the tears, as I could feel my face getting hot. Walked to my car and cried. Hard. This isn't how id every image my journey of motherhood looking. I have 2 beautiful girls who I love, and I'm beyond grateful for them. However, in the same breath, I long so deeply to grow my family, to give my husband a biological child. I crave so deeply to give my girls a sibling they have asked for, to bring life into this world again. For my body to do what a female body is meant to do and work the way a female body should.

As much as I wished id felt differently about this shopping trip, I was reminded that my arms were empty. I have an entire room filled with baby clothes, a crib, a bassinet, and other baby items, just waiting to be used by a baby who may never exist.