2 Years Overdue

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 Happy Due date, to my sweet Boy Jesse. 


To think that my life should look different than it dose is a whirlwind of sadness, disappointment, joy, and guilt. 


How can I morn the loss of a baby, who if I was holding, I possibly wouldn’t have the one I’m holding now. Sure there isn’t a guarantee that if I had Jesse I wouldn’t have had Lincoln he might have just came later, but let’s be realistic. Probably not. 


Someone asked me, “well knowing what you do would you go back and change it?” 


How unfair of a question is that? To ask me if I’d give up my rainbow baby to prevent the storm I endured. 


How does a mom even answer that? 


If I say no, it means I would still want to lose Jesse. 

If I say yes, it means I would “trade” Lincoln for his brother. 


The question is impossible to answer. It’s unjust, and boarder line cruel. How can you expect a mother to choose between her children?  


I had big hopes that this year would bring a little less anger, and sadness. Yet another year has past and I’m STILL NOT DUE. I never will be, at least not with Jesse. His arrival is indeftently postponed. 


I often wonder what life would look like had things been different this day should be a birthday but is now nothing more then a grieving day. A December 9th to swallow up all of the December 9ths I’m for the rest of my life. 


There has been grief and will continue to be. I they to find comfort in that God has been and will always be with us. With you. There are reasons that only He knows as to why you went to Heaven so early. I wish I could say that I no longer question if it was my fault. I still to this day have a hard time with why your DNA didn’t form properly yet 3 other my other earth side babies have.


I long for the day I get to meet you, for the day I get to look in your eyes and compare your features to mine and your daddy’s, to your siblings. 



Jesse do you know just how much you were loved from the moment of my first positive pregnancy test? Do you know how much we prayed for you for long before you were conceived? Do you know how much I cried and still do when I was told you were gone? 


Do you miss me? 


Being this far overdue is the most agonizing pain I have ever endured. 


Happy due date sweet boy. I love you so much. 

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