The Silence Behind Saying “I’m Great”

  Happy Due date, to my sweet Boy Jesse.   To think that my life should look different than it dose is a whirlwind of sadness, disappointment, joy, and guilt.  How can I morn the loss of a baby, who if I was holding, I possibly wouldn’t have the one I’m holding now. Sure there isn’t a guarantee that if I had Jesse I wouldn’t have had Lincoln he might have just came later, but let’s be realistic. Probably not.  Someone asked me, “well knowing what you do would you go back and change it?”  How unfair of a question is that? To ask me if I’d give up my rainbow baby to prevent the storm I endured.  How does a mom even answer that?  If I say no, it means I would still want to lose Jesse.  If I say yes, it means I would “trade” Lincoln for his brother.  The question is impossible to answer. It’s unjust, and boarder line cruel. How can you expect a mother to choose between her children?   I had big hopes that this year would bring a little ...

We are quickly approaching what should be our 2nd Christmas with our son Jesse.   Our house should be busting at the seams with a mix of birthday and Christmas decorations. We should be shopping and wrapping an extra set of gifts. Losing Jesse wasn’t as black and white as losing just him. We have lost a life time of celebration, love, life, hopes land dreams.  When you lose someone after years of holiday celebrations you can feel their absence in how it changes things. However even though they may be gone You’ve got memories, and traditions to hold onto. Yet, Losing a baby, especially during pregnancy, is not something that can be easily honored but cooking a special meal, or singing a favorite carol that reminds you of ‘them’ so how do you celebrate while wading in the trenches of grief during the most wonderful time of the year?  It’s hard to not let my grief turn into anger.  Christmas cards come addressed to everyone in our family, except Jesse.  Gifts are b...

  My hair is a mess, the dishes are overflowing in the sink, the dogs are barking outside, the baby is crying and I haven’t peed in 5 hours.  For nearly 2 years I begged God for this, all I wanted was to be here, to be holding my baby. I asked for this season, I asked for this . Yet I find it extremely overwhelming and I’m exhausted. I can’t tell if that bad smell is me or the garbage that needs to be taken out.  As I sit, rocking my baby who will only nap when I’m holding him, watching re-runs of SVU and Grey’s anatomy I can’t help be feel completely consumed with guilt.  My husband works so hard so I can stay home with our baby. I’m sure the last thing he wants to do when he comes home is clean, but I’m nap trapped again. I’m stuck talking in a high pitched voice entertaining my sweet boy who needs constant attention.  I’m busy running errands, I’m busy getting the big kids to and from places, the baby has occupational therapy, physical therapy, I have mental ...

Somewhere Over The Rainbow  All I ever wanted was to be a mom and wife. As a little girl, I played for hours with my dolls and Barbies roll playing and pretending. It was no secret that my soul longed to be a caregiver to my own family one day.  Growing up into my teenage and young adult years, I was often called the mom of the group. Caring, providing, and protecting those around me is my nature.  When I was 18, I married a man I thought truly loved and respected me. However, our marriage didn't last. It wasn't built on love and family but on other things that were not sustainable. During my short-lived marriage, I became pregnant with my first daughter and gave birth to her in 2010. She changed my life and saved me from many self-destructive things, like eating disorders, bad sleep habits, and depression. Being her mom meant I had to care for myself to protect and provide her with a life of peace and happiness. Shortly after she was born, her dad and I got divorced. It ...