It’s NOT the most wonderful time of the year.

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We are quickly approaching what should be our 2nd Christmas with our son Jesse. 

Our house should be busting at the seams with a mix of birthday and Christmas decorations. We should be shopping and wrapping an extra set of gifts. Losing Jesse wasn’t as black and white as losing just him. We have lost a life time of celebration, love, life, hopes land dreams. 


When you lose someone after years of holiday celebrations you can feel their absence in how it changes things. However even though they may be gone You’ve got memories, and traditions to hold onto.

Yet, Losing a baby, especially during pregnancy, is not something that can be easily honored but cooking a special meal, or singing a favorite carol that reminds you of ‘them’ so how do you celebrate while wading in the trenches of grief during the most wonderful time of the year? 


It’s hard to not let my grief turn into anger. 

Christmas cards come addressed to everyone in our family, except Jesse. 


Gifts are bought for everyone except Jesse. 


All my kids place a gift under the tree for me, except for Jesse. 


I comb though a year of photos picking the best images to place on our Christmas cards, of each of us, except Jesse. 


I’ve read so many way to honor your baby during the holiday season, buying toys and donating them, picking a child off the angel tree that would be their age, putting up a special tree. All those things are supported to bring me peace, joy, love. But I’m just angry. 


I’m angry my baby is dead, I’m angry I have to honor his memory, I’m angry I don’t get to watch his eyes light up on Christmas morning or take him to see Santa at the mall. 



I’m angry that i had to hang another Christmas ornament on our tree with his name on it, with the date he was born into heaven. 



I’m angry that I’m a mom who doesn’t get to celebrate Christmas with all her children. 


I’m angry that this is my reality, and when I’m not Holly jolly and filled with Joy people tell me I need to put on a “brave face” for my family. I’m angry I can’t just be sad. 


This is not how this was supposed to be. 

2 years later I’m still very much so trying to figure this out. What will each year look like? Will I ever not feel such heaviness with happiness?  I do know that I can still make things will be special for my son, and our older girls but Jesse will be missed. Both feelings can co-exist.



If you are reading this and you are missing your baby this holiday season. Please know that you are not alone, as isolating as it may feel. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself this time of year. 





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