The Person I Was Before Loss

 To the person, I was before my loss,

   By the time you read this, I’ll be long gone. Nothing more than a fading memory of who we once knew ourselves as.

  Maybe when you think of me, calm her, you will be able to smile, and maybe you will be able to replace your sorrow with the joy that once lived within us. Maybe you will remember that vibrant life and love that used to surround us. Instead of this encompassing grief that now swallows us. Robing you over and over of the wife you wish you had. A moment full of pure Bliss and laughter that echoed through the night. Instead of the muffled tears or, even worse, the deafening silence.

  The darkness is so dark anymore. Fear, anger, guilt, regret, and loneliness all dwell here. There is no life to be seen. There is no light, but even you used to say even the darkest part of a shadow proves the sunshine.

  In those moments when you can still find life remember that I once lived too. But this has all become far too much for me to handle. I’m gone now, silently drifted off to sleep after taking a careful combination of pills. That you knew would make you sleepy.  So you lay your head down, drifting off to sleep. Stopping your heart, never to be known again. How sweet it must be to feel all of that pain all at once and then never again.

  Those nights full of Despair became days upon days we cried out for help people cared at first, but only for so long. Soon you feel like nothing more than a burden, so you stop asking for help you stop fighting for your life. You stopped showing up at the doorsteps. You stop going to therapy. Because, "damn, you’re not over this yet?"

  We have been here for about a week now. It’s so dark, cold, and lonely here. We have been here long enough to learn that death would be so easy to achieve a thought of 900 Ways to Die. I’ve learned that when your child dies, everything hurts.  Every part of your body, your heart, and soul hurts. Every cell in your body aches. From the tips of your fingers to the ends of each individual strand of hair on your head. All the way down to your legs to the tips of your toes. As if it’s every molecule within you is screaming in protest, “ NO! NO! NO! this can’t be true!”

 How can thisSadness stack up against the already harsh realities of Life itself?  People are dying of endless hate crimes. Slaughtered. People who probably wanted to live.  I really don’t have any right to complain. How selfish people must think I am taking my own life when there are so many people out there who would give anything to have the oxygen back in the lungs of their loved ones. Who is now gone? Can you give them my heartbeat so my heart can stop beating? Is that what they mean when they say Donate Life?

  I’m not as strong as you are. They say Only the Strong learn to adapt and survive. I don’t want to adapt to this pain and sadness. Therefore I hope one day you can forgive me for being such a burden to you. For taking up so much of our time. For draining you of all your good things. I, in so many ways, have already killed you. Snuffed out your light, no one sees you as the bright, joyful, bubbly person you once were. So here we are together, fighting to the death of one another. I’m hoping you win but in case you don’t, carry on my legacy. The one of that happy-go-getting girl we once were.

  I know this is selfish of me. But you can handle it. You’re stronger than I’ll ever be. The weight of the world is on your shoulders moving forward. Playing the world as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They will adjust to you. And they will soon forget me. I know it seems like I’m asking a lot. But, one final wish and my death try to of without me. Live for me, live for us. Because I have succumbed to the darkness. I wish I could experience all there was to live for. I wish I had the strength to stay.

  As I am in this and my life and one last final breath, I want to remind you to live. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do that for you. For her. She has died in so many ways over the years of trauma but losing her child was far more than her already broken and federal Soul could handle. Just remember, I tried. Promise me you will try to. Because sometimes you have to kick against the darkness until it bleeds daylight. 

In my death, I give you life.

-Yourself