2 Months Ago

 I don’t expect this to get any attention because that seems to be the norm, but:

2 months ago I was in one of the darkest places of my life. I was standing nose to nose with the death who was telling me to do it, to take one more step.  Death was daring me. Taunting me. My life was literally being held to together by a single frying thread. I was SECONDS away from dying.

I couldn’t see anything, I had no reason, no drive. No desire to live any longer. There was no life to be found in the darkness, the silence was so loud it was deafening. 

I felt completely invisible, I had sat on all the couches I could, showed up on every door step I knew of, and eventually people started disappearing text and phone calls wouldn’t be answered, messages left unreturned, offers to come hang out, to sit, to pray all stoped. Hugs didn’t t exist, I was alone. And it stung like a thousand fire ants bites. So I tried every grounding technique, I had taken every anxiety and depression medication (as prescribed) attended every therapy session. I did all the self care, got my nails done, my hair done, went for a massages I tried everything I could to “fix this” 

It didn’t matter I was Empty, it’s like someone had pulled the plug on my soul and it was draining of life, love and Grace. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t functioning. I wasn’t living, my body was walking around as an empty hollow vessel. 

I spent what I had planned to be my last weekend alive with those around me, saw my family, called old friends, filed some lose ends with my business, wrote my suicide letter, went out with co workers, did my makeup, hair, laughed joked gave them all one final good (fake) day with me.

I fought with my doctors for medication management and a change. My therapist watched my soul rot away. My husband and kids watched me barely move from the bed. I begged for people to see me, I pleaded for help and for people to love me out loud. I screamed at the top of my lungs and it feel on deaf ears. My voice was so horse from my howling. I gave up. I was done. 

Eventually I decided to self medicate. I laid down and prayed to god I wouldn’t wake up the next day. I begged for him to come and take me away. I prayed that my heart world stop while I slept. 

I cried, for 15 days, I weeped for 15 days. I reached out, asked for help, I posted, called, texted, showed up, for FIFTH TEEN FREAKING DAYS!! 

Just to be reminded that if I was going to make it though this I would have to do it alone. 

I had no one, no one truly ran into my storm, they didn’t want to get wet, so while I was playing Russian roulette with life and death, others stood on the side lines under their umbrellas. 

And this. This is how people die from suicide. And it could have been me this time. 

So when people say they are struggling, just freaking show up. And if you feel conflicted by this, offended or like you need to say “well I…..” stop, take a step back and ask yourself did you run into the storm or did you stand their under an umbrella, and watch lighting strike? 

I’m alive today. Because I chose to fight. I chose to live. I chose to get up, and try again. 

And every day the sun rises I have to continue to choose life over death.

I could have been 1 of the 800,000 people to die from suicide every year. 

And while you were reading this approximately 4 people have committed suicide.